their story...my story...your story

So when I was in school one of the tests we would sometimes get would be a 'fill-in-the-blanks' test.  We were sometimes given the words to fill into blank spaces left in a passage or sometimes no words were given and it was up to you to determine what the missing words and where they went.  One of the things that I'm learning every day as a social worker is to not fill in the blanks.  Sometimes a client shares with us part of their story and we're kind of left trying to figure out the missing pieces.  And we look at their current situation and circumstance and use that to determine what the gaps are.  But the reality is that their present is not what has determined their current situation. And what we see is only the now but we don't know the road travelled before they got here.  What's yoEvery time we look at someone we are only seeing part of their story.  Even when we talk to persons there is a part of themselves that they don't always share and still left with only part of their story.  You see someone's story is made up of so many pieces and parts that usually the only person who knows the whole story is the person themself.  Not even a parent knows the entire story about their child.  And so when we interact with others, we have to be ready for whatever may come our way because "the full has not yet been told."  So the next time we see the harried looking mother at the grocery store with 3 or 4 kids trying to swipe her EBT card...remember you don't know her story. Or the next time, you see the young lady sitting on the train station acting what you perceive to be inappropriate behaviour on the train...remember you don't know her story.  The young man at the traffic light with a mug begging for change...you don't know his story...even me sitting here at my desk, typing this blog, seemingly well put together, and everything going well for me...you don't know my story.

#noplacelikehome

So I'm not really one for making New Years' resolutions.  I know myself and I know how hard it is to follow through on many of the things I promise myself.  I have purchased many a coupon for 30 day membership etc to the gym which have gone completely unused.  One of the biggest things I had determined to do this year was stop drinking Coca-Cola...but I managed to quit last year October so I'll have to find something else...so I decided to make this years goals more of a "what I will do and less of what I won't do"  One thing I want to do is be more regular about posting on my blog.  So the goal I'm setting for myself is once a month.  Believe you me my life is really not exciting enough to warrant postings more frequently than that.  Ideally I would do the post at the end of the month to encapsulate all the aspects of the good, the bad and the 'hmmm' But I just had to post about this last week that I have been in Trinidad...my beautiful twin island home land.  Many times we hear the term "there's no place like home" and the truth of it never really resonates with us until you have experienced an extended absence from home or you live in a place that is diametrically opposite to what is your social and cultural norm.  Living in Boston as a Trini, the weather is one of the biggest differences that I experience.  Many times when I look at my friends pictures on facebook in the middle of December/January/February and see them posing in shorts, slippers or tank tops I can only sigh...the beauty of wearing "summer clothes" all year is unexplainable.  The other great thing about home is the food...everything about the food...there are things that we eat that cannot be explained just experienced.  I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to explain "doubles" to a foreigner...the best I've been able to do is "a fried bread made with a split pea dough and curried chick peas filling between" Now any Trini hearing that would be absolutely lost.  When I'm home there are a some things that are vitally important to me...food, friends and family.  Facebook does a really great job of helping me to stay in touch with everyone and seeing pics and everything about daily life.  But it can never replace the feeling a good hug from loved ones...all my daughters, sisters and brothers in Christ from my home church...the feeling of being loved and truly a part of cannot be replaced by postings on a computer screen.  Seeing face to face the infants you once held, now holding conversation with you...leaves me speechless and really there are no words to describe it.  And the food...phlourie, saheena, doubles, roti, pelau, mango - julie, starch, rose- pomerac, pommecythere, pawpaw, tamarind ball, sugar cake, puff, sweetbread, aloo pie, fry bake...just a few of the amazing foods that make us uniquely Trini.  Truth is we're not perfect in many ways but who we are a a people and how we live and how we love just makes life great.  Love my little island...

Aloneness

There's nothing more lonely than having no one to call to share good news or challenges. I've always prided myself to be a strong person and able to deal with anything and withstand anything. But I realise that no amount of strength and confidence can break down feelings of loneliness. That I don't know who to call when your best friend is not home feeling.

Speed dating

So about a month ago I went on what can only be described as a speed dating adventure. So one of the New Year res was to get out more...do different things...create new experiences...so this was me trying to maintain at least one of the New Years plans nah...so here I venture in the wicked wild world of speed dating. So first of...there are 16 of us...8 guys and 8 girls and I am the only speck of color on an otherwise white plain...so the host welcomes us, gives us the how to some basic instructions and then sets us on our way. Everyone has a number and a scorecard...after each 'date' you make notes abt your interaction and you can also select yes no or maybe for possible future interaction. Ladies remain seated whilst the gentlemen move from one date to another. So as I said it's been a little over the month since the event so I'll try and remember as much of the experience as possible...so the first round of dates begin...all the gentlemen move eagerly to begin chatting with the ladies...except me...I sit at my table waiting and the last gentleman standing looks around apparently not seeing me...he turns to the host and says where do I go...she points to my booth and says there's a lady over there...his response "is tht all tht's left" me...without blinking an eye, tick "no" next to his number on my scorecard. He proceeds to amble over and sits down as though he's facing an executioner...trying to have a conversation was like trying to pull teeth from a dog...do you know how torturous it is to try and engage in conversation for 5 minutes for someone who clearly doesn't want to...eventually he picked up my accent and asked where I was from...I told him I was from Trinidad and he proceeded to spend the last 3 min of the date to talk about how much fun he used to have fishing in the Bahamas every summer with his father...next...enter restaurant owner who is tired of people selling food in Boston as Indian cuisine that is not real Indian cuisine so his solution was to open his own restaurant...in Argentina!!! Yes he lives 6 mths in Boston and 6 in Argentina...his ideal partner must be willing to do the same...then he asked about the accent...I answer Trinidad his reply...yes another place that does not sell "real" indian cuisine...mentally I have checked the no box and just going through the motions until he leaves...the next 5 men are a blur of hilarity, ridiculousness and "are you flipping kidding me" there was the one guy who was so nervous he didn't know what to say that he talked too much...he said "I've been to alot of speed dating events...never seen a black person here before...this is fascinating (I kid you not)...he continued wow I've never dated a black girl before, I wonder what that's like...my response...I don't know I've never dated a black girl before either. Then there was the psychologist who was trying to seduce me with some psycho babble and pseudo analysis...when I mentioned that this was my first time doing speed dating...his response...you should be proud of yourself for taking such a bold step and some other reaffirmation crap that he prob thought would move me...sorry pops I did a psych minor in undergrad...move one...there was weird european dude, tech dude who seems to have no hobbies and no life, then there was the one who as soon as he heard my accent wanted to guess where I was from...of course his first guess was Jamaica when I said no and I was about to tell him where I was from...he responded, no, no don't tell me, don't tell me...and then proceeded to spend the next 5 min guessing every island down the Caribbean chain...and he still ain't reach Trini yet...and when I eventually told him Trinidad when the bell rang to signal the end of the date, he looked at me and said is that in the Caribbean? Check no...The final verdict was a tall easy on the eyes gentleman. His first comment "I detect a Caribbean accent but I can't place it." I told him because I wasn't about to play no guessing game for another 5 minutes. Major points when he responded is that the Caribbean island nearest to Venezuela... more ratings when he said you all have one of the largest Carnival celebrations in the world. It didn't matter that I don't participate in Carnival the fact that he knew about my twin island republic...points. I must say that conversation flowed nicely and it felt really natural. I guess he was the saving grace after the yutz parade that went before. Finally the night was over, I grabbed a slice of the stale pizza and bounced. A few days later I entered my scores on the website online with my yesses, nos and maybes...surprise, surprise there was only one person who I said yes to who also said yes to me...there were a couple others who said yes to me but I said no to them...the mutual yes was...you guessed it...my last date. All in all it was an interesting experience...definitely provided enough fodder for my blog. Who knows if I'll ever do it again...we'll see.

Disappointment...hope

Milestone birthday and no milestones achieved

What do you do when you seem to be lost while travelling the road map of your life

The GPS keeps spewing directions but somehow you can't seem to reach the desired location

In some cases you realize that you've driven up and down the same street over and over again

How do I get out of here?

Shortest distance?

Fastest time?

It's beginning to feel as though the voice on the GPS is mocking me

And as the tears of frustration roll down my face...all I can hear is

"Turn right at the next intersection"

"Next left"

Right turn in five miles"

And I go 5 more miles...10 more miles...15 more miles...still driving and no right turn...

Just wilderness...nothing to see, nothing to celebrate

Just me tired of driving and not reaching where I started off for 30+ years ago

Wanting sometimes to just stop moving and wait for someone to come and point the way or better yet someone else who will drive

But I can't sit and do nothing and so I begin to drive again

And I follow the directions

And although I've driven this way before I look out the window withe new eyes

And I see different things and meet new people

And the GPS continues to give directions as I follow

And although I still cannot see my destination...I keep driving

Because I know this GPS knows the ultimate destination

For my GPS ...it's God's Positioning System.

Arriving at the airport

One of my favourite movies is "Love Actually." I especially enjoy the opening scene where the narrator speaks about standing up in Heathrow airport and seeing people arriving and being greeted by family, friends, loved ones, spouses, significant others. Love is visible as people can be seen running to greet their loved ones who've been away for days, weeks or months. And I know that this is what makes arriving at the airport and having to take the train home by your self to an empy apartment, sometimes almost diminishes the excitement and euphoria of the recently completed travel experience. There is always a part of you that's secretly longing that there will be someone on the other sde of the tarmac waiting to greet you, hug you, kiss you and say welcome back, you were missed. Travelling is an amazing experience but travelling alone can be really daunting especially if you're not really good at striking up converstion with strangers or if you have a slight fear of flying :( It just feels as though the empty curbside outside the airport is another reminder of your aloneness in a world where everyone seems to have someone. And even when you have someone who meets you at the airport, because they're really here to pick up your travel buddy...so you get a ride home...but then you're dropped off at your place and then they're off to share with their friend/family all about the amazing time they had and you walk inside to wash the dishes you didn't get around to doing before you left or listening to the news anchor telling you all the latest stories as you sit and wonder in the aloneness of your room and watch the suitcase...too tired and too lonely to think of unpacking...that arrival terminal at the airport you can see some of the greatest expressions of love...but you can also see some of the greatest pains of loneliness.